The Grace of Our Lord church seeks a new Lord for worship. Candidates must be monotheistic in nature with at least 3,000 years of experience. Absolutely NO animal or human sacrifice must be required. Deities that do not forbid bacon or alcohol are preferred. No confusing trinities or disparate gospels will be considered.
If you think that you are right god for the job, please send resume, cover letter, and sample holy text. No applications will be accepted by burning bush or divine revelation.